Friendships we lost in quarantine.

 

It's been almost a year since Covid19 first started making its impact outside of China. I celebrated my birthday two weeks before the first cases were being reported in the United States by playing an open mic in front of my mom, my brother, my wife and kids, friends and coworkers - something that would seem completely unusual for most of 2020. Two of my best friends at work ended up not being able to go. One texted me and promised me lunch the next day (wonderful hibachi!) while the other one - she just didn't show up despite telling me she would as I walked out of the office. I was worried about her and with the stress of playing in front of a much larger audience than I expected, I nervously texted her when it was over and it was our first argument. For the past year or so of working together, we'd rarely disagreed about anything - laughing about a time I blew off lunch plans to help her solve a work problem, only to have her tell me she'd already figured it out when I sat with her. Our friendship would quickly recover and I was there for her as she got sick in the early stages of covid, doing things to help her move out of state once they announced a work-from-home option in our office. She helped me get into kayaking (an activity that was great not just for the exercise, but great to share with my wife throughout the covid-summer.) She also was there for me as my mom got a cancer diagnosis. Mostly, she was just there to talk, even after the office was closed and we didn't see each other daily anymore. It was so refreshing to have a new friend like her with so many shared interests and a relationship which was purely a friendship, nothing else. We were super respectful of my marriage and her boyfriend (when she was in a relationship) but could still share laughs and a few tears together. 

Unfortunately all these changes in life due to covid would eventually end our friendship leaving me without one of my "go-to" people to share jokes, stories and sometimes even tears, compounded by the fact I still have to work with this person (though not directly very frequently). As I tell other people the details of the story, I universally get a response like "I had a friend ghost me" or "I haven't talked to one of my bridesmaids in six months". It's really not what I expected. And rarely is it a political difference or masker vs. anti-masker thing. Usually it's not even a "thing". It's just the times. The complete change in most people's social lives is difficult. I imagine my 90+ year old grandmother who has seen a handful of people (not me) since March. But even children who are in school, their social lives revolve more around electronic devices than we could have imagined in 2019. It can be some people's only social outing.

I've read and re-read Tara Brach's "Radical Acceptance" a few times. I think of the finiteness of relationships. Everything on earth ends. It's hard to think of a father-son relationship, for example, not being infinite. The affects of a relationship can last a lifetime but the bond between two people does have a start and an end. It's a horrible thought but it must be accepted in order to truly appreciate the time with people.

The end of my friendship with the coworker is sad. There was cruelty, there was dependency. There was a closed door and finality. The finality is probably the hardest thing for me. No one is going to fill that void. I asked her not to contact me a couple days after I'd witnessed a fatal car accident (a story for another day) after her response toward me and the accident. I reached out to her two months or so later and the response was silence. Finality. It's sad to think that I'll probably never share something with her again that pretty much only she and I would laugh at. I also have no idea what she's doing in life now which is strange as well. It was so sudden and also, initiated by me. I thought it was a break and it became an end. It's stranger still that we still work for the same small company and avoid each other. We still share some friends outside of work.

"every relationship of every type has a start and end, no matter how long or special that period is in between when it’s active. The best relationships are the ones where once it is over you can see the positives and how much better you are for having known each other."

There have been times where I can look back with some appreciation of what this friendship was like for me without feeling bad at its completion. It's not the worst thing I dealt with in 2020, for certain, but I'm going to feel guilt because this was one thing I could have avoided. I could have made the friendship work; I was aware of where it was going. I'd be open to resuming a friendship with her, but I won't pursue it. And I'm also aware, there is likely no chance she will pursue it either. As she once said to me (to paraphrase) the people in life you can be comfortable with can come and go and sometimes they are replaced. But there's no replacing this.

I always talk about the post-covid times as "The Great Restart". It's a re-start, not a thawing out where things are pretty much the same as they were before but maybe with a bit of a freezer-burn taste; everything is different now. And while the dormancy period of the pandemic did strengthen many relationships, especially within my family, there's one that is completely gone.

The takeaway here is that Covid19 affected us in many ways we could never have realized. But a bright-side comment here is this: the relationships that grew stronger are the ones that are the most important going forward.

The Amateur Genealogist's Surprise

No one expected a global pandemic. But for me, that was only the second biggest surprise to happen in 2020.

I found out I had another sister.

The year had started amazingly for me. I spent a week in Europe in January, where it was unseasonably warm, visiting London and Oslo and speaking at a conference in Helsinki. The day after speaking at the conference, I went to the Temppeliaukio (Rock) Church in the center of Helsinki and walked in on an English-language mass. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for what had been one of my most life-changing experiences, a gratitude I would carry throughout all of 2020 through its twists. On my birthday in late February I played an open mic in the city near my house. Friends, relatives, co-workers and fellow musicians showed up. This was the 2020 I had expected. And then covid19 arrived. The quarantine. Sicknesses. The isolation from family and friends. And so went 2020. So much changed. But this was not the biggest surprise for me in 2020.

I’d gotten into the hobby of genealogy ten years ago with my mom and with my dad’s grandmother. At the time, since my father’s parents were both still alive, I collected photos and stories and memorialized them. It was a great way to connect. With my mom, we helped answer some of the questions of her father’s adoption. As an only child, my mother had no close family left other than her children, but we were able to reconnect with cousins and second cousins through some extensive research. In recent years, we had not done as much genealogy, since we had already made so much progress and answered so many questions.

My mother’s grandmother’s photo collection is stored at my house and I’ve digitized many of the photos on genealogy/family websites. From time to time, I received an inquiry with questions about my research and helped distant cousins or researchers with answers. But it was a message I received on March 13, 2020 that set the whole story in motion. March 13, Friday the 13th, for many people that was “the last normal day”. It was my kids’ and wife’s final day in school of the year. That week was the final week I’d work in my office. When I came into the office months later I walked by a co-worker’s desk where her wooden desk calendar still said “March 13”, as if frozen in time.

To be honest, I didn’t answer the message on March 13. My sister would have to wait another day. We’d find out from her later that she’d been searching for her father for over 20 years. Since his name was not on her birth certificate and her birth mother, Gloria, had died many years before, there was no way for my sister to find my dad. A DNA test was really the only hope left, that someone would match. Years ago she’d posted a DNA result on a DNA forum that I’d also posted on. I kept my contact info on that site private. All my sister could see was that she had a “very close match”. She knew someone was out there.

And so on March 14, the day “after”, I finally got around to answering the message. Thinking it was just a regular inquiry on some distant relative from the 1800s (as it typically was), I was in no rush to answer and actually answered from my cell phone while on a hiking trail near my house, a trail with very poor cell service.

Her name was Cathy and she was from central Maine. She sent me a message on facebook. We had no mutual friends.

“Which family name was it?” I messaged her after we exchanged pleasantries. I expected “Reed” or “Teel” or one of my mother’s well researched lines.

“King,” she answered. I hadn’t been asked much about that line. It’s my father’s last name and my last name. It’s a small branch of Kings usually from the same small town in Connecticut.

I asked more questions and asked her, “How closely are we related?”

“Siblings” she said.

I figured it was the curse of being Jeff King. I’m not the late former UConn basketball player or the iditarod dog sled champ. I’m just some dude who wrote a book a few years back and lives a pretty unassuming life in Connecticut.

But then she said there was a DNA match on Ancestry.com. Now unfortunately, Ancestry.com did not load very well on my phone and I was still on the hiking trail with limited phone reception. But I also knew from the other names she was listing from the DNA results (my aunt, my father), that I really needed to check this for myself - however the site would not load.

You know that first person you tell everything? It’s my mom. And this was no different. Fortunately she was home and answered and I told her what I’d heard.

“You do have another sister,” my mom told me.

She explained that my father’s girlfriend from his first college had gotten pregnant. My father had offered to marry her but she said no. The child was given up for adoption and that was all my mother or father knew.

My new sister, Cathy, had gotten her DNA results that Wednesday. She sent messages on ancestry.com to my dad, me and my aunt but none of us had logged in and read them. My ancestry.com name is the same as my instagram username so she’d sent me a message on instagram. But since I had no idea how to message on Instagram, I didn’t respond there either. Somehow she was able to find a photo that I’d cross posted on Instagram and Facebook and sent me a message there.

Our paths could have crossed many times before in life and we’d never known in. She’d been through Connecticut many times for business deliveries. I’d been to Maine on vacation with my wife a handful of times. We both saw Dear Evan Hansen on Broadway, Wednesday night shows, exactly a week apart. She’d always wondered where her love of music and theater came from since her adoptive parents weren’t as into it.

I called my wife who urged me to call my father right away and I told Cathy I would get back to her with information about our father. Once I returned home I called my father and we talked for five minutes before I finally brought up the conversation with Cathy. He confirmed that it was true. I wondered if he’d ever planned to meet Cathy and how he’d explain it to me or my sister or half brother and sister if he did. I called my sister Jen with her boyfriend on the line and explained everything. She was probably more surprised than me, at least initially.

For me, I was now finding out about a sister for the first time. I’d never expected it. The only time I had ever given it thought was when Cathy first contacted me. But I thought about how this was something that Cathy and my father had probably been thinking about for most of their lives. I can’t imagine the emotions they went through. I know if I was hiding or searching for something like this in my life, it would consume so much of every day in my head. They talked the next day and both told me it was a “very nice conversation”. Cathy met her other siblings through messaging and phone calls and we all looked forward to meeting.

Back to the pandemic again. My father is in Florida. My sister in Arizona. Both were in places that became virus hotspots. My half brother was planning a wedding. My half sister in Massachusetts was scrambling to take care of three young kids with her and her husband both working full time. We couldn’t meet right away. It wasn’t, in fact, until August that we’d all meet. Jen returned from Arizona and quarantined for two weeks. Ryan moved his wedding up for a small family service. My dad and stepmom spent a month-plus in Massachusetts and Connecticut visiting family. My father visited Cathy first, making a couple of trips to Kittery, Maine. A very pleasant meeting, photos with genuine smiles. It made me happy to see. Then, the following week, all five of my siblings were in a room together for the first time.

My half-sister hosted us at her house in Massachusetts. Cathy arrived first and one-by-one the other siblings arrived. It was also a small enough gathering that we could all spend time talking amongst each other. It was completely improbable and natural at the same time, despite how strange and unexpected the entire thing would have seemed, it was a beautiful day. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t the “first-born”, something I’d always prided myself on and thought it explained much of my personality. Cathy helped me fidget my camera to get it working (the first real common sibling-type interaction we had) and my wife took a bunch of photos of the five of us, which we also sent to my father who had returned to Florida. Weeks later, Cathy would send us all a copy of the photo with a note which was signed “Your sister, Cathy”. While it took us so many years to finally be connected, I’m so happy for all the time we can spend catching up together and making new memories as brothers and sisters.

2020 has been a memorable year, defined by some really sad and awful events, not just around the world and the country, but personally as well. I’ve had close family and friends get very sick. I’ve seen the results of isolation on my family. We all had major upheavals with our jobs and school. But it also had some memorable days, speaking at an international conference, one of the best birthdays ever, a whirlwind trip through London on the Thames River, my brother’s wedding day. However, the most memorable day will be the days that I found out I had another sister and the day that my four siblings and I all got together for the first time. It doesn’t take much effort to have gratitude for that.

I used to think the worst thing about life was that it was chronological, starting life without wisdom but full of potential and then having all the wisdom you’ll ever have and no need for it when you end - always progressing that way rather than fluctuating back and forth in a struggle. Time is always moving forward and this includes changes in the important relationships in life. There is always nostalgia for other times and it’s perfectly acceptable to feel that way as long as there is an acceptance that life will always change. It’s the perception of these changes which is optimism or pessimism. And despite what it may seem in the Western view, relationships and family also are moving with time and changing. Rather than look at the time missed with my other sister, not knowing she existed, not having her in childhood, I can reflect on the future going forward. This is just a beginning on a timeline.

Siblings

November started tremendously warm for the first few hours in Connecticut then quickly dropped its temperature like the trees letting going of their last leafs. I hiked Hurd State Park on Saturday, one of the last places to hold on to autumn colors thanks to its proximity to the Connecticut River. My short-legged chihuahua/terrier Gordo and I headed to the Split Rock look out through small sections in of yellow and red leafs on bigger trees with smaller naked brother trees around them. At the top I found what I thought was a couple, a man and woman slightly behind older than me and I offered to take their picture together. They were quick to explain they were brother and sister (I didn’t know them and it was not important information at first). The man referred to the woman has his “little sister” as I took the photo.



As we talked I explained how my sister had just moved cross country for the second time in her life and how I missed doing things like a hike with her (we did so little together when she was near by due to work and family time constraints). I explained how I didn’t expect the cross country move and the woman told me how she too had moved in Colorado multiple times, as my sister did in the past. It was a very pleasant conversation but Gordo was ready to move on so I left them to finish their hike alone.

I keep thinking about the two of them the rest of the hike and thinking of the photo I took for them, wondering if I caught the moment correctly. I took a photo of my son back to back with my sister a few months back and they were almost the same height. Who will be taller when they see each other again? I spent my whole childhood with my sister but most of my adult life away from her. We look nothing alike; I’m a foot taller than her and we have different eye and hair color. But we have so many random things in common. We’d talk and find we liked the same TV shows or had very similar world views.

I’ll miss her but when she comes back, I’ll take her to hike Hurd on a day where the last bit of summer that exists in autumn is holding on.

Can DNA prove or disprove a famous potential relative?

 Everyone has 64 great-great-great grandparents, 32 men and 32 women (in theory, of course some people could have the same men or women in different lines). This is about the point for most amateur genealogists to keep family lines in order without some sort of reference. Maybe you met a great-grandparent in your life time? This would be the great-grandparents of your great grandparents. I've seen a photo of my grandmother (my kids' great-grandmother) with her great-grandmother. I actually have a picture of my daughter and my grandmother holding the photo. Amazing the things that can be preserved.

But with those 64 connections, virtually everyone who does research on their family will eventually get stuck. On my maternal grand father's line, my great-great grandmother was Susan Dorr. Or maybe Susan Darr? I'm certain from bible and Barber collections that she married Calvin King and that lineage to me is well documented. Who were Susan Dorr's parents? I've found many online ancestry lines that show that her father was Thomas Wilson Dorr, a Rhode Island governor who led the Dorr Rebellion. (I talked a bit about this here.) But history shows Thomas Dorr never married. Online biographies are available but writings from that time do not discuss his relationships with women (if he had any). I'd done some research and pieced together that Susan Dorr had a brother "John Darr" who lived in Ivoryton, CT and eventually moved out to Ohio. I've corresponded with members of that line.

There was some confusion as to Dorr's parents - mostly because the man I thought to be her father, George Clark Dorr was buried as "George D. Clarke".

I'd settled this as a historical inaccuracy until I found this in the Norwich Bulletin:

So after ordering my DNA kid from ancestry.com and receiving the results I gave it a try. I'd look up "Havens" and "Dorr" and "Darr" among the matches, as well I'd look up "Dorr" and "Allen" (Thomas W. Dorr's mother's maiden name) to look for matches.

I'd have a bit of help as well that the "Havens" and "Dorr" were from the same time where my grandfather lived his entire life, the very small town of Old Lyme, Connecticut, with a few very recognizable lines (Beebe, Champion, Lee, Lay) which would also show some sort of connection with the "George Dorr" line. I'm related to Beebe, Lee and Lay lines but at over 10 generations back where DNA would not prove useful. I also was aware of the problems with DNA related ancestry research. I was happy to find that every relative I've found online who took a DNA test, was indeed at or near the top of my list of matching results. But as the DNA matches less, the relationship is more speculative.

The first record I checked as a big clue. A potential "5-8th Cousin" named "N.G." had a line with Beebe and Havens. The Havens in the family was from neighboring Waterford, CT.  "N.G" had a well researched line and with ancestry.com showing matching surnames, I could determine that there was no other line where I would be related to this person in an obvious way in another line and other lines were in fact from other places geographically that were not linked to my family.

Again, the next record I looked up had a "Havens" and sure enough, Lyme/Old Lyme Connecticut. Same time frame. This record, however, also had a "King" (although one I'm aware of and have not linked closely to my family line) in the same branch as "Havens", so this result could not be ruled out as well. For what it was worth, the second record and first record did not share a DNA match.

Many of my next few searches of matches on Havens showed no useful results until I got to an account called "1_tinaL". This well-researched listing actually linked me directly through a family tree to Edward Havens (thought to be the grandfather of Phebe Havens, the wife of George Dorr (known through Barber record)). The only problem with this was that Phebe's great-grandmother was a Beebe, meaning the relation could be there. However, this would be 8th cousins at this point which would be just at the end of what ancestry.com provides with DNA relationship potential matches.

Research went the same until I found an account which shared the same link to Susan Dorr through Calvin King. The DNA match was correct for the distance of the relation and the King line she'd produced was a known line (I actually sent her some information I had on the line which she may not). So things were rounding into place. Before discounting, though, I did get the surnames of Thomas Dorr (Dorr, Allen, Cunningham and Crawford - all Massachusetts/Rhode Island lineages, which would differ from the King/Beebe/Dorr/Haven lines which were Connecticut/Long Island NY).

Looking at the names on the Thomas Dorr side, it became pretty clear that none of those known lines in the Thomas Dorr genealogy were linked to me. Allen would come up frequently but research never traced it to the Massachusetts or Rhode Island areas (although, interestingly, the Allen family was related distantly through marriage to other Old Lyme families. I was able to conclude from this that Susan Dorr was likely the child of George Dorr and Phebe Havens (or least, so to say, she was not related to Thomas W. Dorr.

In a way it was sad to have fairly conclusive evidence eliminating that strange mystery I'd seen in so many family trees online. The Norwich Bulletin obituary's source is unknown. "Governor George Darr" (interestingly sort of a hybrid of both "stories") will remain an unsolved for now. But if there is accuracy in DNA, it's likely I'm not related to Thomas W. Dorr. 

Why do we suffer?

The most spiritual moment in my life happened in church. But it's not what you think. It was in the church were I was baptized (as an adult), not the church were I was married or went to funeral masses.

There was a guest clergy delivering a sermon in the summer. A long sermon. A rambling sermon. He spoke about everything. Politics. Living. Christ. Honestly, it was hard to follow; it was all over the place. But then, deep into the sermon he paused. "Why do bad things happen to good people?"

Like I said. He was all over the place. Somehow he'd worked his way to one of the most important questions we have in our faith.

Again he said "Why do bad things happen to good people? How can this be true if there is a God?"

A long pause.

"Because we are human. It is our human condition to suffer," he retorted, as if summoning a dash of Buddhism. "We suffer because our bodies are weak. Our minds are weak. We seek the Lord to strengthen us. But we are still human. And our human form is neither unbreakable or permanent."

Neither unbreakable or permanent.

And how many people have struggled with this question: Why do bad things happen? Surely, if there is a God and we lead a life in the model of his Son, then bad shouldn't happen to us. Or happen to us less? Or at least there is some great reward at the end.

Many church scholars or clergy will point to Job and his trials as an example of how to deal with bad or why bad things do happen. That the pain we suffer on earth brings us closer to our God. Or even that it is symbolic of the pain which Jesus suffered at the end of his human life.

But this part of the sermon really struck with me. We are human. We think we have freewill, but we don't always. We think we are indestructible and will live forever when we are young. But we won't. It's part of our human condition. And it is not a reason to doubt faith. It's just being human. Part of being human is suffering. We are built to survive, first, then enrich, then enrich others.

A friend of mine passed away today. He was a father, husband, coach and Christian. He was the father of two children, one, like my son, with an autism diagnosis. His daughter, an accomplished young athlete had many accomplishments that made him proud. But the every day victories for his son made him just as proud. He'd had a brush with heart problems a few years ago that almost ended his life. His human body was saved and God allowed him more time on earth, even if it was a few more years, to see his wife, children and family and friends. He laughed and lived and saw his children go closer to their adulthood... a few more years of precious times.

And I'm sure if he had his choice he'd take the suffering and challenges of life, parenting, struggling and sorrows instead of the eternal bliss of a Christian afterlife which he earned, at least now. But what made him human was spent. There was no more life to live.

I can't help but to think of a Buddhist cop out that all relationships, even that of a spouse or parent, is finite and to take joy in the times you have. I'm too human to go there right now. I'd rather be this way, flawed, built by God in flaw. But if we suffer too much by our own thoughts and sadness, our bodies become prisons and our lives go by unlived. We must take from Buddhism that everything on earth is finite, because we are finite - and appreciate the good. We should suffer, but we can suffer less with faith, hope, love and in my friend's case, humor. A lot of it.

There is no good answer as to why good things happen to bad people. None. No scripture. No philosophy of removing ourselves from our own humanity. And that bad things do happen to good people does not mean there isn't a God to believe in or that there is even a heavenly reason or justification to it. It's just us being human.

I'd rather be this. Flawed. Human. Finite, but able to love, hope and keep faith. We will all suffer in life, because we are human and that is unavoidable. But we can strive to enjoy this life and our flaws and accept it.

Islam means submission to God, not death or fear or kill

By now everyone knows about the travel restrictions or "ban" imposed by President Trump's executive order, restricting travel from a handful of Muslim majority countries. And now courts have ruled against this executive order. I'll leave the legal experts to discuss this (check the link). But I want to discuss the greater fear of Islam. Part of the reason, I think, that Barack Obama refused to put "Radical Islam" in front of terror acts committed by people who call themselves Muslim is the fear of a stereotype being attached to all followers of the faith. It doesn't take more than a quick perusal of social media to find out that many people actually believe that all Muslims (or at least most) are indeed dangerous terrorists. Not going to link it here, but twitter and facebook searches will show you people that you follow, have friended and maybe even relatives believe that all Muslims are inherently bad people and that their religion is one that seeks to kill "infidels" (infidel becomes a complex word, much as their are different sects of Christianity, the same complexities are true in Islam).

I wonder how many people who make these stereotypical claims actually know Muslim people. A great podcast I've listened to is the story of Daryl Davis, a traveling African-American jazz musician who has befriended members of white-supremacist  groups like the KKK. I've shared this story and I advise checking it out. Perhaps there is a way to talk to people who are different and there's something to be learned from Davis's approach. And in the case of Islam, it's worth taking the time to learn the basics of the religion, submission to Allah, pillars of faith, but also knowing, just like Christianity, that people practice Islam in different ways.

In my typical "snarky" way, I want to make a statement like "you probably shouldn't comment on Muslim as a group if you don't personally know as many as you have fingers on your hand". I highly doubt anyone who personally knows this many Muslim people would have the same stereotypical beliefs. So I'm going to list some Muslims I know personally who are not just "non-terrorists" but good, productive members of society.

• I worked with "S." at NASDAQ in my first real job out of college. He was a practicing Muslim who would pray in the break room in accordance to Islam tradition. I sat the cubical across from him when the planes flew into the towers on 9/11. As we heard of all the operational failures resulting from this horrible act, the stockmarket was quickly closed and from our suburban Connecticut operation center we were all excused for the day for safety reasons. "S", just like all of us, was devastated by the terrorism of 9/11. We discussed it among co-workers the next few days. He mentioned that those who committed the acts were not real believers in what he believes in. We stayed in touch a bit through the years. I'm pretty sure he voted for Romney and McCain, for that matter, if that defeats another stereotype.
• "John" Hussaini has been the owner of the Subway in Clinton for over 20 years. When I was in high school, Subway was a 3-4 time weekly destination and I befriended John. He was excited to hear I was dating a half-Pakistani as he is from Afghanistan and we had many talks about this. John has been very active in the community in Clinton involved in many fundraisers. If you've met the man, I don't need to explain his kind and warm personality any further. 
• In my previous blog I've discussed a Syrian family which goes to school with my children.
• "A" was a coworker of mine at another job. "A" was from Indian, like many of the people in his group, however he was a Muslim, unlike the others who were Hindi or Christian. I did not know he was a Muslim until months after having met him and having "lunch" with him during his fast. None of the other people in his group from India seemed to treat him any differently than the others and his work was always solid. He was on a work visa and dreamed of becoming a US citizen.
• "Dr. K." is an endodontist who worked with my mother. Her family fled Iran during the turbulence in Iran in 1980. She and her husband practiced "loose Islam" (her words). I remember helping her family move to a new condo in town and them gifting us with what have been a year's supply of saffron. "Dr. K"'s boss was Jewish and all the people in the office jokingly referred to the "Iranian working for the Jew". It was just that, a joke in an office full of ball-busters. I remember her being kind and softspoken and being known as a good endodontist. I've befriended two other Muslims in the medical profession, one a young woman at a party who I didn't find out was Muslim (nothing in her dress or behavior would have pointed it out) until we'd already talked in a group for an hour and another from Egypt who practices dentistry in the South.

I've met other Muslim people in passing and I have to say that I've never met one who filled the hateful stereotypes I've read on social media or fear-mongering "news sources". So, I advise you take the time to learn the people before making blanket statements. With the people I've pointed out above, all of them are from different parts of the world, some from countries where the "ban" was enacted, some not. We should not let "Christians" who commit acts of terror or violence stereotype all Christians anymore than we let radical terrorists who are Muslim create our view of all of Islam.

Who is safe?

"America, you great unfinished symphony,you sent for meYou let me make a differenceA place where even orphan immigrantsCan leave their fingerprints and rise up,"

-  The World Was Wide Enough, Hamilton 

The day of Donald Trump's election was the night of the annual potluck dinner at my children's school. The kids attend a Hartford, Connecticut-area STEM Elementary Magnet School with an ethnically diverse student population. My wife and I grew up in the suburbs, 90-95% white, non-immigrant populations, so a potluck dinner would not be a celebration of unique heritages as it is for our children. Families not only come from urban parts of Hartford and rural and suburban surroundings, but also from South America, India, the Middle East, Russia, Europe and China. Not only are our children the only two kids from our town at the school, but they are not part of any sort of "majority" at their school. The "comfort zone" that some people in the suburbs, even in our town, have will probably be a completely alien concept to them growing up.

I've enjoyed the potluck dinner every year at the school and unfortunately missed last year while in Canada for business; but this year had an even different significance. Barack Obama was out of Washington and his replacement, whether he lead it or not, had motivated a very ugly side of America, a side of America that thinks "us" and "them". A side of America that wants to build walls, label evil by religion. A side, which I believe is fully motivated by fear. Fear is control. A lot of what Trump's first actions have been as president are about safety, a wall, a travel ban from some Muslim countries - yet I'd argue that these were illogical, motivated by fear and not representative of an immigrant country. Were these actions motivated by safety?

But who is safe? You see, the problem with fear, like any sort of strong emotion, is that it is contagious. It is a group thought. But it also leads to irrational actions, without concern for logic and without concern for others. In a school with Muslim children, Latino children, children with same sex-parents, I wondered what the next four years would be like for them?

Flashback before Donald's Trump immigration policy changes and "ban" and back to the days following the election. Something happened. Something unbelievably surprising. It's quiet obvious now that not even Donald Trump thought he'd be elected president; but he was. Protests. Allegations of hate crimes. Awful videos of white students chanting at latinos went up on the internet and were quickly pulled down due to the ages of the perpetrators. Over the last few years as video technology has gotten cheaper, I suspect, racially-motivated crimes (victims of all races, including mine) that were always happening were caught on video.

It's Connecticut, I'm in a Blue State. Most of my friends and family were not Donald Trump supporters and there was really no doubt who would win here. The small group of locals I know who supported Trump - I think there was a lot of surprise. Votes have consequences. Some celebrated like a football team winning on Sunday. Some just didn't want to talk about it, as if an election is just that and it's done, not such a big deal "let's move on." One even regretted her vote, finding out a little more about how Trump was completely against the issue most important to her. One friend who was fairly outspoken spent more than a few days trying to defend her vote. Eventually she disappeared from social media. Turned off her phone. She didn't feel safe. She even called out of her office job a couple of days. I understood what she was going through; but to people directly affected by the election, I understood their continued anger.

We happened to spend a lot of time with a Syrian family at the potluck dinner. My daughter had been a classmate of a boy from the family. They dressed in traditional clothing from their home. I didn't ask anything about the family, when they had immigrated or if they had been refugees. They seemed well-educated and their English was spoken as if they'd learned it many years prior. They were observant Muslims, however, as the mother was unable to shake my hand since I am a man. She apologized as she said this after shaking my wife's hand, not knowing if I would understand or not. I took no offense to this and watched our children play together, looking at the displays setup by different families. Even my son had setup a display of our immigrant ancestors (all immigrating before 1920, nearly all on my wife's side of the family). I look at the Syrian family's display and started to think of what was going on in their country.

A week after the potluck dinner came the immigration ban. I'll call it that, regardless of what the president did or did not call it. Children and naturalized citizens behind held because of the country of their residence in an airport. I would suspect some waiting to meet families, to go to skilled labor jobs, some here for medical treatment. All these peoples' lives on hold. A Syrian family. If they had a relative who was sick, even outside of Syria, could they leave the country and come back to the United States and be welcomed back? If they had relatives still in Syria and they were displaced due to the continued conflict, would they be able to take their relatives to their home in the United States?

Will this family face discrimination? Will they be safe in our country?

Whether my children go to a "diverse school" or make friends of other races or historical backgrounds, it doesn't change the fact that we are still a white, upper-middle class family in a very safe suburban home. I stated above that my children will never have that feeling of being a majority in their school; but they still are part of the majority in the eyes of others. The consequence of the election is actually fairly small to me. We'll be fine. As much as I am angry and concerned about the path of the country that President Trump is taking, at the end of the day I'll probably get a slight tax decrease and some of my clients will lose some federal funding. But to a Muslim family in this country, especially one from one of the travel ban countries, or a Latino family dealing with the constant scrutiny of their citizenship, or to a woman who wants women's health services she can't afford - there's a lot of consequence. There is less security and less safety.

Votes have consequence. I've been saying this since the election. But I must add, that they have consequence to others. If a member of your family has a disability and the ACA is repealed without a replacement that covers pre-existing conditions, you'll suffer. When you voted, you voted against the surety that pre-existing conditions are covered. But you also voted in a way that could harm the safety of Muslims or Latinos or immigrants in this country. And unless you've been in those shoes, you have no idea what that is like. No one immigrates to the United States for the betterment of themselves. They do it for their future generations. Trust me. I've done the genealogy research. The immigrants live difficult lives, many died young and poor; even ones from England or other parts of Europe that have fewer barriers to overcome like language or skin color. It's their children and grandchildren that thrive.

At the end of the day, we all want to be safe. Regardless of who you are, where you are from or how you voted, keep that in mind. We'll all be better off. I think we all just want peace.

“Everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree

And no one shall make them afraid.”

They’ll be safe in the nation we’ve made,"

-One Last Time, Hamilton

Should we be concerned?

Should we be concerned?

I've heard a lot of people saying to just "get over the election"... "give him a chance"... and I've also heard people say "this is dangerous"...

So I will present very straight forward facts and let you decide:

• The President of the United States has never held a public service job before.
• He is the only president in the past 50 years not to release their tax information.
• After having a daily radio spot about politics, his next political theme was to attack the legitimacy of the birth place of the sitting president.
• He called for Americans to revolt via twitter after the results of the 2012 election.
• His Secretary of State has never held a public office and his primary qualification was being the CEO of an oil company. 
• One political party controls the presidency, house, senate, Supreme Court, majority of State Governor positions and state legislature.
• State houses have the ability to draw their own federal election districts. 
• One party controls enough state legislatures to create Constitutional amendments without any votes from other parties required. 
• There have been investigations by US intelligence into Russian interference to help Trump win the election. The Sectretary of State has worked extensively in Russia in the past
• The Sectretary of Education nominee never held public office, attended public schools nor had a college loan.
• His first press conference featured blatant lies by his spokesman about the size of the crowd attending his inauguration. 
• After his victory he continued attacking celebrities on Twitter. 
• The only publicly held company he ever created went bankrupt. 
• He bragged on tape about sexually assaulting women and the appearance of his daughter. 
• He attacked his opponent's foundation, which he also donated to. 
• He was fined for not providing equal housing to minorities. 
• He settled a 25 million dollar fraud case the week of his election victory. 
• He was fined for using money from his charity to back a state attorney general who was working on a case against him. He later hired her to work for him. 
• He attacked his opponents' ties to Goldman Sachs, then hired a Goldman Sachs executive to work on his economic team. 
• He removed the LGBT and Climate Change pages from the White House website the day he was sworn in.
• His Sectretary of Energy once advocated eliminating the position of the Sectrtary of Energy in his presidential campaign. 
• His first official act as president was to override a law that would have prohibited a member of his team from serving for him. 
• He lost the popular vote in the election by over 3 million votes.
• Despite claims of voter fraud, no election officiant or state election chief filed cases of mass voting fraud. 
• Wisconsin and North Carolina had radical changes in voting laws and went to Trump.
• Claimed he would jail his opponent if he won the election. When he won the election he backed down from this claim. 
• He has not sold his businesses. 
• FEC filing states Trump has financial investment in pipeline which he wrote an executive order to resume building. 
• Has blocked EPA employees from discussing environmental policy on social media. 
• His nominee for director of the EPA was currently a plaintiff in a lawsuit against the EPA. 
• He is in direct violation of a building's lease in Washington DC which says no elected official should lease the property.
• Criticized a former POW member of the Senate for being captured despite the fact Trump avoided military service with medical deferments. 
• Trump has moved to repeal the ACA but has not made his replacement plan public. 
• He has moved to end funding to Planned Parenthood. 
• He has left the Trans Pacific Partnership. 
• A Hoise bill has been drafted for the United States to leave the United Nations. 

The word for the year 2017: Present

I will be "present" in 2017. Let me explain where this came from and what I mean.

As a huge fan of the Godfather, I enjoyed Francis Ford Coppola's appearance on Terry Gross's Fresh Air. I expected (and received) many wonderful tidbits about the production of the movie and remembrances of my favorite author, Mario Puzo. The main thing I took away from the interview was unexpected: Francis Ford Coppola mentioned that whenever he was working on a project, he always had a theme word. When he came to a decision as a director or screenwriter and it wasn't obvious, he'd go back to that word and apply it to the script. For the movie Godfather it was "Succession".

"Succession"

I love this concept. I almost want to go back and re-watch the entire Godfather saga just to look for these moments. I think of Michael guarding the hospital or being in the bathroom and nervously looking for the gun behind the toilet. "Succession"... how did it lead to "Succession". Michael told Kay never to ask about business, but just this once he'd talk about it - that he did not kill his brother in law. And he delivers the line in honesty, despite the fact it's a total lie.

The end of last year was rough, far from just the results of the election or the lack of sunshine in the shorter days.There were a lot of punches, more jabs than uppercuts to me, but many gut-shots to those I know. I've been in a haze, much like another famous fictional Mafioso, Tony Soprano, toward the end of the first season of the show which made his character famous when he started medicating (some prescribed, some self-prescribed) and went through his days as if they were living him rather than him living them. Until the carjacking scene (which in my opinion cemented this as an all-time great show.) From there on, Tony takes over the crime family and the rest is television history.

Awakened

It took a week, but the word "present" came to me in a similar way. The city next to my home town has a stop light for pedestrians to cross in its busy downtown area. As my wife and kids and I were crossing well after the light had turned green for pedestrians, a car approached going too fast to make a safe stop at the light. My son was leading our family as we walked across and had just handed me my cellphone to make it brighter resolution and my head was down, scrambling with the phone. I saw the car out of the corner of my eye and instinctively grabbed at my son's jacket to pull him back. I felt the fabric of my jacket slip through the fingers as my son kept walking directly into the path of the car. Screeching tires. My son froze. God was there was the car came to a stop. It might not have even been that close. He may have missed hitting my son by a couple of feet or 10 feet. After I missed at my pass to grab him I froze. I was not there. I was an observer until the car stopped. I was in no danger myself as I was by a car in another lane that was at complete stop (probably the only reason that driver stopped). I wasn't mad at the driver. I didn't even look back at him or her. But I was awake. I became "present". Later on I asked my son about the incident and he did not want to talk about it. I had trouble sleeping that night, which is rare for me, thinking of what I'd be doing at the time if those few feet had not been enough to spare him.

Now I will not observe. I will be present. I will give full attention. I will act. I will speak. I will be here. Life is filled with distractions, multi-tasking and some of this is unavoidable. But the next time I need to make a decision, to force myself to do something against my desire that is for my betterment, I will think of that word "present", much like a script writer in my own life. Yes, there are some bad things going on now in the world. I'll never explain them. There are some people who are lost, either by their own choice or out of fear - they are gone. I let them go.

I feel that the fact I've used two fictional "gangsters" as an example may prove the wrong point- not that I am going to be a "tough guy"; I plan to be tough when necessary but not as a default or trademark or definition. I plan to be "there" when needed. I am present now for my family and those close to me. I am present for myself too. I too often observe my own life, afraid to interject or speak up, which is surprising for an extrovert like me. I will not be quiet anymore. If being present means speaking out, making others uncomfortable, I will do it.

There is so much to be alive for now, most importantly myself and those around me. My job. My interests. My voice. In 2017, I will be present.

He is going to be president - so you must be an asshole

The non-elected electors have spoken. This man who lost the popular vote by 2+ million votes, but won the electoral college, is going to be president. When you go to the Hall of Presidents at Disney World, there will be an animatronic Donald Trump up there with Lincoln and Washington.

That's that.

But this is not the end.

You need to speak up. ABOUT EVERYTHING. This election was lost because "Hillary takes money to speak at Goldman Sachs" but the man saying that has hired a former Goldman Sachs leader to be a policy maker in his administration. He's nominated Rick Perry, a former Dancing with the Stars contest and GOP presidential candidate who had a talking point about eliminating executive cabinet positions but forgot the name of the cabinet positions to run the exact cabinet (Department of Energy) he forgot.

You know that uncle or grandparent who told you how Obama was going to nominate Farrakhan (Trump supporter, by the way) to help run his government? Or how Obama was a secret Muslim? Or how the Clinton Foundation was evil (it's a charity - Trump's foundation paid money to Pam Bondi, the state attorney general of Florida, running for re-election, who was overseeing a case by the state against Trump). You need to be an asshole to that person. Let me repeat that. An Asshole. Because these people are the assholes who elected this completely unqualified person to be president, as if some sort of "I'm old, I earned this" moxie for this "rebel against PC" (aka I'm not succeeding in this economy because I refuse to adapt from a time where white Christian males had every advantage).

An asshole who:

• Reminds people that Trump told the Russians to "hack" in July, the last time he had a press conference.
• Reminds people he's too busy to have a press conference but he will meet with Kanye West.
• Follows people like @funder (Scott Dworkin) and @kurteichenwald  (Kurt Eichenwald) on twitter and reports on things Trump is doing/has done.
• Question to others if Trump cares more about his business than his country.
• Tells people how Trump mocked a disabled reporter. How he lies. How he brags about sexually assaulting women. How his twitter use is not presidential.
• MOCK PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP. Embarrass them. Be a proud ASSHOLE. You are probably smarter than them and you have facts on your side. Insult people who voted for him.
• Points out how Trump has contradicted himself at times pro-choice and pro-life, pro-Russia, anti-Russia, pro-China, anti-China.
• Tell people how Trump won "a game" of election but how 2+ million more people voted.
• Never be quiet. 

Trump will not "Drain the Swamp", "Lock her Up" or "Build the Wall". None of those things are happening, nor will a national registry of Muslims or mass-deport illegal aliens. Those were election promises to cater to people who vote emotional and don't think critically. Nor will Trump change gay rights or abortion. Heck, the RNC isn't even "repealing" Obamacare anymore; they are "replacing it". The infrastructure and Obamacare fixes are probably things Obama would have done himself if Congress had let him - so this is not bad (other than GOP obstruction).

We will not be hurt in the short-term by Trump's economic policies, other than an increased national debt (point that out to people who bring up Obama and debt). His disgusting environmental policies will even take 5-10 years to hurt. Where we will be hurt is by Trump's foreign policy. This is a man who has no ability to walk the diplomatic tight rope to keep the world in balance as it is now and a man who believes in phony American Exceptionalism (the thought that America, as if by some divine grace, is better than all other countries - without acknowledging the work to get there). The big issue is Trump's foreign business dealings interfering with his foreign policy choices as president. We don't really know the extent of Trump's international business (mostly branding, selling his name), but we do know who he's hiring (Exxon/Mobil CEO friendly to Russia, people who contributed to him to cabinet posts). We cannot sit by and watch when he makes potentially deadly international moves. Our safety and our economy will suffer.

Most Americans didn't vote for Trump, heck, most Americans didn't vote - but we are stuck with him. On January 20th, he'll be sworn in as president. It starts your term as an educated, uncomfortable, truth-sided asshole. 

I'm going to have a better day tomorrow as a dad

What I was asked to accomplish this week - it's just too much. In a house full of stress, I'm the one who has to look, act and be unaffected. No affect. No effects.

But that wasn't me today. I have a son who studies me, copies me, plays me like an actor's role. I did not give him the script he needed today. I gave him impulsive, angry, swearing and nasty dad. I have a daughter who just wants to please me. There was none of that today. And a wife who just wants my support on a difficult day at work and as a parent - I listened - but the reactions were not right.

We all woke up at 3am. That happens sometimes. My son missed his medications at school today somehow. He's failing there at times. I can tell him how to succeed, he can know it - but he won't do it unless he sees me do it. My daughter was just too tired to function.

The left hooks, right jab work combinations all day and technology drops the ball. And I drop the ball. And at the same time it's like I'm painting an incomplete idea, erasing more than making. It never looks good.

But this will all be tomorrow soon. Tomorrow, goal one is to be a better dad. The role of the lifetime for me.

I'm just here, not much else

Maybe it's the lack of sun or not feeling well but all I can say about the last few days is that I'm here. I primarily work from home and have not left the house since Sunday to do anything but bring the kids to and from the school or bus stop. Other than work phone calls, I've talked to no one but my wife and kids.

Usually there is something motivating me but there's just no motivation. Now it's clean the house, work, make dinner, entertain the kids and help them with their homework, put them to sleep, then go to sleep myself. And that's it.

Certainly there are a lot of external factors - the election - being away from many of the people I used to see regularly - not finding joy in things like music or sports. I've outlined my next writing project. It's just sitting there. I have my video channel - still has no videos on it despite having really good ideas on what to shoot. No scripts. No footage.

I go through periods of time traveling all over the place. I always look forward to being at home - as a landing. After awhile, it all looks the same. So quiet. The house is never clean either. No matter what I do, I start the day in chaos and never get to the end of it before more chaos happens.

I don't like Christmas. Never have. Maybe the first two years of being a father I liked it. Now I don't again. Can't stand that it is just a march of commercialism now - seems to have nothing to do with the best aspects of Christianity.

Gratitude. I want to have gratitude. I don't want to say I am thankful - I want to mean it. But I can't make myself feel it when I say it. I think that's probably how I am most like my father. I don't think he is big on gratitude too, unless it's genuine. Or I could be looking for praise. I don't praise myself. Maybe this is how I am like my mother.

This has been going on for awhile. So much in life to be grateful - and it just doesn't flow through me. It's a knowledge, not a feeling. It so rarely rains here. It never rains indoors. I've been waiting for the fire to ignite me for awhile - just naturally. It's not happening. I'm not drowning. I do just enough to avoid that. These are good years for awhile here. Must remember that. I think I have my health. I think. That's a foundation.

I'm really just here. Until I thaw out. Or I wake up. Or I am awoken.

On Veterans Day with Fear and Sorrow (by my mother)

On Veterans Day I received this letter from my mother along with the editorial from Vanity Fair called "The Ugly American". It almost became a perfect counter point to my previous post about moving on from the divisiveness of the election. My mother was generally disinterested in politics from the late 1960s and the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy until the first election of Barack Obama (about 40 years apart).  I've chosen to post my mother's letter just as she wrote it:

Note: My mother's father was a Marine, a commanding officer who served in the South Pacific during World War II and recipient of the purple heart.

It couldn't be easier even if it was hard.

I don't know if it is a special needs-parent thing or a gifted-child parent thing; the combination of the two makes for a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. It feels like there is so much room for failure as a parent with these two.

It's been less than two months since we pulled out of the parking lot of Disney's Magic Kingdom with the entire family but me in tears and crying uncontrollably. After four-straight days out at resorts and beaches, stuff you'd expect to be fun, my son was unable to keep it together, cries of "I want to die" coming from the back of the rental car as I tried to find my way back to where we were staying. From the exit of the park, to the monorail then walk back to the car, he screamed uncontrollably. "I hate Disney World" and "This is the worst day of my life" - things he was saying in a calmer voice moments after we had walked in the park earlier in the day. My daughter cried from the backseat that it was all her fault and cried "I love you so much mommy and daddy". Family is extremely important to these children and much of their play reflects family and school time. My wife cried out of embarrassment; not that she didn't know this was possible, that my son and daughter would "lose it" as we left Disney World, but more so of the embarrassment of their actions. Happiest place on earth and everyone in the car is crying.

My wife gives everything she has to our children. My eight year old son, diagnosed with high functioning autism, and my daughter, who at six is still going through evaluations for anxiety and ADHD- they aren't easy kids - or should I say they aren't normal kids - better yet, they are unique kids. Both kids have extreme sensory issues. Both kids score off the chart in nearly every standardized test they take. My friends (who tend to be very caring people) see the best in my children, telling me how smart and funny they are and how much personality. My best friend's fiancee likes to ask the kids trivia questions about science and geography to see what he knows that my friend does not. And at the same time, there are other adults who have trouble with my children. We let the kids express themselves and be comfortable, which makes some very uncomfortable.

There's been too many times where we've left a cub scout meeting or returned from an adventure on vacation... or just gotten a phone call from school, where we've felt like absolute failures as parents. Perhaps these two just can't deal with everything we expose them to. I didn't have the means as a child to live the life these kids have lived. There were no clubs after school, no annual vacations or travel; most of my childhood was spent playing by myself in the woods or looking for pickup basketball games regardless of the temperature outside. Maybe they needed a childhood more like that, simpler.

But would I be doing them just as much of a disservice by not exposing them to everything I have?

Because, there are times when these children thrive. It's not just when we get back standardized tests and get told how "brilliant" they are; it's practical situations. Watching my daughter interact, even with older kids, where she automatically becomes the leader, times when I hear the other kids at school tell me that my son is "the smartest kid ever at school" - this happens too. My son carved 1/4 of the periodic table of elements into the wood work in his closet when he was four and to the best of my knowledge he wasn't using a book as a guide. How is a parent supposed to react to this? My daughter excels at pretty much any activity she's ever done, as long as she can keep her head in it. Soccer was great, until the loud pumped in music; then I couldn't keep her on the field. Once the music was off and she felt like she was in control, she was the best player on the field again. Back at home in a quiet place, they write musicals together, can spend 5 or 6 hours at a time on a weekend reenacting school or a vacation or any other scenario that suits them.

Both of the children like performing and storytelling, my son the story teller and my daughter the actress. Coupled with their love of technology and science, we began making science, history and humor videos on youtube. The kids watch more youtube than television. My son would be hard pressed to name one show on television or one pro-athlete, but he can tell you his favorite YouTubers and can imitate their styles. My daughter almost runs to get in front of a camera as my son crafts his stories.

The two became fans of the PBS Digital Studios channel "Gross Science" and sent comments back and forth with channel creator Anna Rothschild, even sending her a thank you video. I got the chance to meet Anna and other YouTube creators at an event in New York City.

Anna's genuine enthusiasm for her interaction with my kids and her appreciation of their videos was moving. For all the challenges as a parent for these two, this was a reminder of just how wonderfully unique my children are. There's so much potential there. Another YouTube creator, Joe Hanson of "It's OK to Be Smart" shared another one of their videos that got over 1000 views in 2 days. Despite being only 6 and 8, I think they actually "get" the science of the videos and they really understand the importance of story telling - and not just in words, but in actions.

I wouldn't want to go through life raising normal kids who would just have life live them rather than them live life. I want to make them the best they can be - but this includes happiness and confidence and a feeling that they can do what they want, that they will succeed when they try. We are learning what situations work and what don't. We sacrifice. It's hard and there are some damn awful days. But we move on. We are trending up.

I'm not happy you voted for Trump but I don't hate you because of it.

I have much to say after the election. If you know me well, you know the hardest decision for me on election day was to vote for Clinton or go third party since I live in an uncontested state. If I lived in a state with any chance of going "red", I would have not even considered anyone but Hillary. I even saw people who usually oppose Hillary offer their endorsement and reminding us how dangerous a Trump presidency could be. It was a pretty easy choice to make to vote her. After all, we all thought she'd win.

My wife posted on facebook "Feeling proud to vote for the first woman president!!"

But then she didn't win. I'll save what that night felt like for another day. My wife went to bed before it was finished and waking her up to the results was awful.

Her next post was: "Not looking forward to explaining the election results to my six year old daughter."

Every time I read that post I want to write the most mean, nasty response possible to all those people who dared support a reality TV show host built on lies and his father's money who had never held a public service job. I mean, really people, how? I could go on and on. I won't now.

How could someone vote for Donald Trump for president?

Why?

And I got nasty. Very nasty. I actually posted this:

All in all I'm upset and angry. I'm disappointed. What do we tell our daughters? How do I explain that my country voted for a reality TV star as president? I mean, this isn't that you elected a bad politician, or someone I just "don't agree with" - this is unprecedented. 

I really think less of you if you voted for that clown. I will look at you differently for quite some time.Not all republicans, mind you, because I know some of you are disgusted or at least flabbergasted. Sorry, just how I feel. I'm not mad at Bernie Bros, I'm not mad at Johnson/Stein/McMullin people - I really admire you to be honest. But those Trump supporters- I'm going to view you as unintelligent, racist, having no respect for people of other cultures, the media... having no idea how government works - and I'm not the only one who will look at you that way.. You're wearing that scarlet letter for awhile. I'm mad.

Granted, I'm not a public figure. I posted this on my personal facebook page so people who could read it are "friends" or at least connected in somewhat to me. And this comment got a lot of "likes". I work out of my house and mostly with Canadians and of the handful of American co-workers I'm pretty sure there was no Trump supporters. I know people attracted to the glitz of Trump since day one of the election cycle and I know people who seem to think Hillary is the second-coming of Lucifer and have been telling me this since her husband was in the White House - wasn't counting on those votes but that's really such a small portion of the people I know I figured it negligible. These are people "you don't waste your breathe on".

Then I thought of my dad's cousin. She and her husband have been supported by the coal industry most of their lives. While I certainly think Obama helped most Americans, the environmental legislation (which I agree with 100%!) has crushed her and her husband and people they live with. Sure, the air is cleaner or eventually will be cleaner and the water is safer - but if you are unemployed in your 40s/50s/60s with job skills in a dying industry, these legislations make it tough to eat. Living in a red state that just decided to dump the exchange program, a lot of people around them went from having cheap (but very poor insurance) to being fined for not having insurance at all. These are things that affect their lives daily. The ACA could have been improved if Congress had helped, but they didn't. Obviously not just Obama failed these people. A lot of "these people" hate Congress as much as they hate the president. These people were voting for someone they truly saw as an outsider.

Makes me think - I've been middle/upper class most of my adult life, which I was not as a child. I'm not in a military family. My wife is a teacher so we never have to worry about health insurance. My job is very stable now and before that I worked for another company gainfully for a decade. Decisions made by presidents really don't affect my day to day life. Sure, I was thrilled to see marriage equality and lessened military conflicts - because these things are right things - but I'm not gay or in the military. To some people, Obama and "the establishment" altered their lives and not for the better.

Am I right in criticizing people for making this decision if these people really think a Trump presidency is better in the short term? Am I right for criticizing anyone for their decision?

I know people who voted for him for one-reason (Supreme Court, Roe v. Wade). I'm 100% pro-choice and I understand how strongly I feel about that. But I'm sure, right or wrong, they feel as strongly the other way. I even know people who voted for him on an issue which turned out to be something that the person actually was totally wrong on Trump's views (to be honest, neither Clinton or Obama was on her side as well either, however this person is pro-choice and was pretty displeased to find out the potential legal outcome there).

Then there was this other group, and for whatever reason, it was mostly white women, who really gave no reason why they voted for him. One posted on her facebook "I felt like we needed a change" to which one of her female friends replied "guess you want to change your access to an abortion". And I kept watching what these people posted. They were very upset - saying stuff like "I don't feel safe on here" (to which one person replied "do you think Muslim people feel safe now"). For the record, this was two suburban white moms who probably couldn't name 2 Muslim people they knew. And for the record, the Muslim I am probably the closest to voted for Trump because of a fear of terrorism. One of my wife's closest friends vote for Trump. When my wife found out that she was a Trump supporter, it really threw her for a loop. She mentioned how upset she was a couple times later. Now that friend is getting nasty texts.

So these people have made a decision and one I truly disagree with. I am a logic guy. I read facts, check sources. I make thoughtful decisions based on precedence. I'm still angry, hurt, confused. I've legitimately talked to my boss and my wife about moving to Canada (my office is in Toronto - no we aren't moving). But what is anger toward these people going to do? Is it OK that a coal miner votes for Trump more so than someone not really affected by him? Why is one right and the other not right?

I can tell you with my thought process, there's no reason why anyone should have selected Donald Trump as president over Hillary Clinton. But people did.

A few days later, I posted this:

It's been a couple days now. We have all fully realized that Donald Trump will be the next president of the United States. Being someone who tries to make decisions based on as much fact as possible (and you can never have all the facts as Colin McEnroe pointed out wonderfully yesterday), it is hard for me to understand how this happened. But it did. We've seen Hillary Clinton concede graciously and we've seen our American president Barack Obama point out the need to accept and allow the president elect's lead. While this is disappointing (there's so much to say here), there are people who used their own process to determine that they wanted this outcome and we must respect that. Everyone gets a voice. So we must move forward.

No one made the choices they did in the voting booth because they hate this country; they were made because they believed their choice would make a better country. I've seen protests, I've seen some very hateful acts carried out toward people (not sharing that here, use twitter or reddit - there's plenty) but I'd like to think that for every 1 awful person out there committing those atrocities, there's 100 with similar political views appalled by the acts.

This gives the electorate another task; this means cooperation but it also means due diligence in review of those elected. I saw those who opposed Bush just step aside as he created the Iraq War and I saw those who opposed Obama making ridiculous character attacks on him but not looking at the things that were wrong. We need to remain loud voices over the next four years and sometimes that will be praise and sometimes that will be dissent. If you voted for candidate X because they promised policy Y, if they didn't give you policy Y - say something. And read. Read things you don't think you'll agree with. I've absolutely loved reading conservative "anti-Trump" writers like Rick Wilson and Noah Rothman, amazed they could come to the same conclusions I do from a completely different path. I prepare to be loud and angry if need be, but also willing to say "good job" and I think there will be opportunities for both. And if this 4 year experiment turns out to be an utter failure, remind people - talk about it. Use facts, images, your story. It's your story.