What I was asked to accomplish this week - it's just too much. In a house full of stress, I'm the one who has to look, act and be unaffected. No affect. No effects.
But that wasn't me today. I have a son who studies me, copies me, plays me like an actor's role. I did not give him the script he needed today. I gave him impulsive, angry, swearing and nasty dad. I have a daughter who just wants to please me. There was none of that today. And a wife who just wants my support on a difficult day at work and as a parent - I listened - but the reactions were not right.
We all woke up at 3am. That happens sometimes. My son missed his medications at school today somehow. He's failing there at times. I can tell him how to succeed, he can know it - but he won't do it unless he sees me do it. My daughter was just too tired to function.
The left hooks, right jab work combinations all day and technology drops the ball. And I drop the ball. And at the same time it's like I'm painting an incomplete idea, erasing more than making. It never looks good.
But this will all be tomorrow soon. Tomorrow, goal one is to be a better dad. The role of the lifetime for me.
Maybe it's the lack of sun or not feeling well but all I can say about the last few days is that I'm here. I primarily work from home and have not left the house since Sunday to do anything but bring the kids to and from the school or bus stop. Other than work phone calls, I've talked to no one but my wife and kids.
Usually there is something motivating me but there's just no motivation. Now it's clean the house, work, make dinner, entertain the kids and help them with their homework, put them to sleep, then go to sleep myself. And that's it.
Certainly there are a lot of external factors - the election - being away from many of the people I used to see regularly - not finding joy in things like music or sports. I've outlined my next writing project. It's just sitting there. I have my video channel - still has no videos on it despite having really good ideas on what to shoot. No scripts. No footage.
I go through periods of time traveling all over the place. I always look forward to being at home - as a landing. After awhile, it all looks the same. So quiet. The house is never clean either. No matter what I do, I start the day in chaos and never get to the end of it before more chaos happens.
I don't like Christmas. Never have. Maybe the first two years of being a father I liked it. Now I don't again. Can't stand that it is just a march of commercialism now - seems to have nothing to do with the best aspects of Christianity.
Gratitude. I want to have gratitude. I don't want to say I am thankful - I want to mean it. But I can't make myself feel it when I say it. I think that's probably how I am most like my father. I don't think he is big on gratitude too, unless it's genuine. Or I could be looking for praise. I don't praise myself. Maybe this is how I am like my mother.
This has been going on for awhile. So much in life to be grateful - and it just doesn't flow through me. It's a knowledge, not a feeling. It so rarely rains here. It never rains indoors. I've been waiting for the fire to ignite me for awhile - just naturally. It's not happening. I'm not drowning. I do just enough to avoid that. These are good years for awhile here. Must remember that. I think I have my health. I think. That's a foundation.
I'm really just here. Until I thaw out. Or I wake up. Or I am awoken.